Thursday 1 August 2013

My Depression












I've decided to start posting about my depression. You may call it an illness but I personally see it as an effect of the way society has socially constructed unrealistic ideas on everything, for example: Beauty.

When it comes to talking about my problems to people, friends or even family, I can't do it. There is some mental and physical barrier. When I'm asked what I'm depressed about, I try my best -I really do- to tell you, but I can't; I just start crying. And even when I stop crying, you'll ask again and I'll start wailing again - same ball game. I could write it down, but having someone read it just makes me feel sick inside. I don't  want the burden of my own twisted mentality hanging over the head of someone close to me. 
I tried talking to a doctor. Unfortunately she was very clinical, not to tied up in the emotional side of it, she was more about the chemical imbalance, which was fair enough, I to was interested in this side of it. I have an interest in how the brain functions etc etc etc. Anyhoo, you may be wondering how I managed to talk to her and tell her my problems. Well, I didn't really. I bullet pointed my main problems on a post-it note the night before and slid it across the desk to her. Genius, I know. While she read it, I sat awkwardly waiting, following her eyes down the list to see which part of my novel she was at. I did start to well up and I started to have a mild panic attack about what this woman was thinking. In my head I kept telling myself, "You need to keep it together Kirsty, All you ever do if fecking cry all the fecking time! Keep it together, TO-GE-THE-R..". And I'm proud to say I did. 
I got anti depressants and pills for anxiety. I was due back in 2 weeks time but I never did go back. Mainly because I was scared. I often feared that I was viewed as a young teenage girl seeking attention (which believe me, If you knew me, that was the last thing I wanted). Also I didn't want to be on medication long term. Obviously it sorts out the imbalance but only if you take them (well duh). If I were to come off them, I'd be back to being a mess; that's when I came to the realization that I need to make changes in my life and alter my mentality to ultimately get better. To be happy. And that's what I've been doing recently, I am noticing slight differences but there are long periods of time where I fall into my pit of hate and horribleness.

So, now that you have a reasonable* understanding of what I am going through or kinda have an insight to what some of my cheery posts are going to be based around, here's a list of my components that I'll ramble about:

Myself/Personality/Self Loathing 
Beauty
Being A Woman
How Society Views Me
Future
Reality
Society
Are We Really Free?

I may talk about all of these, not in order, only when I feel comfortable about opening up my thoughts on each one. I may even post about ones not included in the list, who knows. 
The reason I decided to post about my depression is because I feel comfortable in this blog, I don't know anyone personally on this so it's like... a diary in a way. Except not so... secret haha!

Thanks for reading, 
AgentK x


*You will notice I will use this word A LOT as I am rather fond of it. 

No comments:

Post a Comment